Wow, It's been awhile...

6 months have gone and lots have happened...

Where do I start... Well I'm still on sickleave, because of my depression. Life seems to be like a rollercoaster. Sometimes feeling quite allright, then sometimes.... not so good. But I'm gettin' there, I hope.

My Day Center time ended last of May. Been trying to cope on my own since then. I still have therapies, starting at August. Thank godness.

Ihave divorsed, or divorse will be final on 7th of December. It was a right decision for us both, I strongly feel that way, because we made each other suffer... We weren't happy. It was a reallyhard decision to make, but after it felt as a relief. I have moved to my own little place with Vilma. And I think this is a right place for us. At least for next year, who knows where this life takes me in a year.

So I have had a rough time last ½ year, and I have been totally caught with myself and my own problems. So sorry for not been in touch.

I miss you my dear friends around the world. Huge hugs!

Still alive...

I have been havin' a quite rough time lately... So I haven't have the strength to write anything in here But I have been writing in my own language to my other blog.

Well my depression is getting deeper and my medication changed after today's meeting with the doctor. I'm in total fatigue and still going to the day center every day. So I'm not feeling that well.

Hardest thing for me is that the doctor adviced me to take a break from my studies. It is a very difficult decision to me as I love my studies, but I understand that I'm not up for it right now.. Lots of tears I've had in my day...

But I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends, they are takin' care of me and are supporting me during this difficult time. But so that this isn't totally depressing post I'll add here some pics...

As I couldn't do paper because my thumb was lookin like this

My thumb is allright already it was just a cut... Nothing serious.

But here's the beautiful self-made paper that my friend made for me as my thumb was like that.

And then I want to show you what I personally did in DC for the first time in my life, felting... This is what I did, how do you like it? I'm very proud of it...

And few pics of my wonderful therapist Wilma. She stays with me at my sofa right beside me as she knows that I'm feeling sad and depressed. Then she comes to me to be cuddled and then she sets herself in a good position and goes to sleep. She can stay with me for hours like this. Aint she a cutest thing?

BTW. I finally now what I will be after my studies ( in english I mean)

I am student in Degree Program of Grafts an Recreation and when I graduate I will be a Bachelor of Culture and Arts...

My wall is cracking...

Finally friday... Have had a rough week at the DC. Altough it's so enjoyable to spent time with people who really do understand you and can be very supportive, going there feels like a full-time job. As I might have told you my therapist said that she thinks I should take a little timeout from studies. I have been thinking about it and it's so hard for me to say that she's so right. I am demanding towards myself and I can't focus on my studies right now. So I'm skipping this weekends school days.. And continue thinking what to do with my studies...

Had a therapy session today... It was tough and I cried a lot, again... I think that my protection wall is cracking down bit by bit...

You know... It's really hard to REALLY look yourself in the eyes (so to speak) , and ask what you really are and what you want to be and so on... And before you can answer any of these questions you need to go through all the stuff that isn't all right in your life and try to make things better if you can, if you can't then.... make the necessary changes... but you can't make the changes before you have enough strength in you to do so...

Oh my... There's a tough journey ahead of me....

Feeling fragile...

Had a quite good day at DC. Made some clay work and I painted my drum to be. All that craftworks is just wonderful, something I enjoy very much. So there has been some joy in my day! ;)

Went to speak with my therapist and something happened. There's is a little crack in my wall of protection or what I should call it. So I had a little moment of truly watching me in the eyes, seeing my exhaustion, depression and situations to be. And the result was crying hard. But it didn't take long to get myself in order again. But I think it was a little sign of that the healing prosess has began... And I feel fragile...

New Week...

But feeling the same... One more day spent in the DC, we had musictherapy today. My drum is still unfinished 'cause I'm an perfectionist... But I'm sure I'll get it done next monday at the latest...

Otherwise day has been quite rough, as you could expect... Feeling depressed and anxious.

Oh...

I'm so very tired. I have been sleepin half the day and planning to spent the rest of the day in a coma-like state.



All I have done today; feed and serve the cat , our sweet & beautiful Wilma...

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be a cat?

An interesting day..

I was very tired as usual in the morning... But as I have a new haircut(done yesterday) I carefully did make -up and all this morning... =) (I'll add a pic soon of my new hair) And then off to the DC. We had art therapy today. I just loved it... We all were in a good mood as much as depressed people are in a good mood.. and I got my Gesso-painting ready... Would you like to see it? Well don't look if you don't want to see it... I'm going show it to you 'cause I myself am very pleased with the result. Altough I'm quite suprised that I used such a bright colours... Well enough with the talk... here it is...

So what do you think?

The meaning of this painting to me, is that I'm the balloon that is floating where ever the wind blows, and it's searching for it's way home... Also I thought of freedom, wouldn't it be nice to be that free...

Ok Enough about that. We did have a little water accident in the dc today, one battery blew out/got broken and water came flowing all over very strongly. It was an chaos! But we worked as a very good team and everyone helped with towels and blankets to stop the water spreading every where. Then after 10-15 mins of trying to dry up the floors blummers came and we got the situation in control... Wow! Imagine if the battery was to blew up at night and nowone was there! =-O It would've been like a pool ... Well we got it sorted and we got cheers about working as a team immediately. So we all felt pretty good when we left home.

Well now I'm writing this by the fireplace and relaxing. I thought I might try this one meditation cd today. Maybe it makes me feel good and relaxed...

I'm proud of myself...

I'm not a morning person at all, and I mean at all. But today I woke up 5.40am and went to my very first Yoga class at 7 am. And I liked it. Si will continue the course till end, I hope. Still 18 hours to go, every tuesday morning at 7 am. There's a challenge for me. And I'm very proud of myself cause I did make it there today.

Then I went straight to DC(day center). Had a quite good day there today. Some painting and making a drum... Nice... I really enjoy doing arts and stuff with my hands... So this was a good day.

Now I'm so very tired... Can I still take a nap?

Exhausted, sleepy, but satisfied

Oh boy... Going to the day center is like a fulltime job. I really do feel that it's good for me and I like going there but it sure does take the juices off me.

On saturday I was at school, altough at morning I was so beat that I almost kept on sleeping. But I'm tough and got up and went to school. Had a good day at school and it was wonderful to see my awesome classmates again. They give me so my strength. Love ya' =D!

After school day on saturday, which ended 3.30 pm , i was ment to go to a 40th birhtday party, but I was forced to listen to me and I decided not to go. Did take hubby there, went for a little walk with my friend and her dog and came home totally beat.

Spent last night alone at home by the fireplace , in silence and totally exhausted.

Today I have been still very very tired and have been sleeping almost all day. Have to gain some powers for tomorrow and the week to come.

Even though I'm so very sleepy still , I feel good and I think that healing can start , slowly...

Btw. as you've noticed changed the template again, can't decide what is right for me... But I'll keep this for awhile... ;)

First day at the center...

Oh my, I was tired in the morning. But I had to get up before 7 am.. It's almost torture to me as I have been still awake at that time , lately and sleeping at daytime. But I did get up. And off to the day center I went.

I liked it. Nice people and I'm sure this will help me alot. First time in along time I feel real hope to recovery, maybe even faster than I have thought... That's a good thing, right?


I have also gotten in to the Yoga class which starts next week. I'm thrilled and excited to go. Altough the class starts at 7 am!!, and it's on tuesdays. So once a week I'll be a happy "zombie" as I will most likely be in some king of "coma" rest off the day... =D But I'm glad that we got in ( me and my friend) We'll see how it goes next tuesday! ;)



http://www.sportyoga.com/

Flu is still here but today has been a bit better day than yesterday...

An other not so good day...

Today I feel even worse. The flu is really taken me over and I think I have Sinusitis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinusitis . I mean maybe, I have an awful headache and mostly on forehead and cheeks...

Today is a Epiphany, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany here in Finland, so everything is closed. I could go to first aid, but I think I'll wait for tomorrow and figure all this out then.

Tomorrow I also start at the daycentre ( or dayhospital) for depressed people.
I'm a little bit afraid of going there, altough I know It will help me, but as I also know that it will be hard work with myself, it's a bit scary... It's scary to really look at yourself, isn't it? But I hope I will find peace of mind and answers to all problems in my life right now, what ever the answers will be. And the answers I ofcourse have from myself, if I'm brave enough and truly listen to my heart.

Well I'll try to heal myself from this flu or whatever this is and rest for this day.

I'll keep you posted how's it going in the daycentre... =D

Flu has taken me over

http://www.clipartguide.com/

A Better day?

I slept quite well last night, went to sleep about midnight, woke up about 7.30, but got something to drink and came back to bed and slept till noon.

I'm feelin a bit better emotionally today, but the flu has gotten the better of me. So I have taken the heavier armory to use ... more medicin, vitamin c, cough medicin , orangejuice even more, resting and so on...

Oh and not to forget, Wilma has been by me, almost all day, taking care of me...

I also made up my mind to start a joga course. With my friend. Tuesday mornings at 7 till 8. Risky business as we are both nightpersons, but we decided to try. If we get in to the course.. We'll need to wait till 7.1. to find out.

I also have been reading 'Paolo Coelho's Light Warrior's handbook', book ;) It's very interesting, I like it...

So I feel much more calmer today, maybe it's because of the meds,=D Who knows But I think this is a better day.

How bad can you be feeling.....

.... without going insane?



I haven't slept that good this week, I still have that fuckin' flu and I had a theraphy today. And it shows.



I'm totally chrushed and exhausted and so very tired.



Sometimes I feel that no one understands me. No one can understand what I'm going through and how I feel deep inside. It's like you are different from everybody else. Special in some weird way... My hubby for example could never understand what I'm going through, but how could he when I'm not even sure myself?



Very dark is my world today, and I want to keep it that way, just for today I'll give in for these dark, gloomy thoughts and let them come to me, not fighting back. I'm too tired to fight today...



I think I'll go and sleep for awile.

What do you think of this?

Trying a new layout again... How does it look? It a bit simpler than the one I had before but I like the flowers... If I'll work on this one it might be ok? Or What do you say?

First day of the year 2009

Last night we (hubby & me) went, for a drive at midnight to see our city's fireworks. It was just beautiful. That was our way to celebrate new year, nothing much... But enough.

I slept awfully badly last night... I started to get symptoms for flu and woke up many times during the night. In the morning I was totally jammed and got an awful flu and I was pissed off. I decided to fight this flu away and quick! I have been drinking orangejuice , a lot, have been eating mandarines and taken some flu medicin and drinking hot juice too. Resting at my sofa with Wilma.

We did have visitors, as our friend came by with his 4 years young boy. It was delightful to see them and this boy Osmo is such a sweetie! He did cheer me up. He had told his father today that when he is grown-up, he will be an icehockey player and paleontologist. =D Aren't kids great?

Ain't he a sweetie?

So... another year has started....