Wednesday, December 31

Last day of year 2008

When I look back and think about this year I find that lots has happened again in my life...

My very dear friend got seriously sick, multible heart operations, visits to hospital, trying to be there for her and her family, worries, many tears, sorrow, fear, but also joy and happiness when it was time to talk about her recovery. Lost another dear friend. Lots of changes at work , working in two places, up's and down's of marriage, leaking rooftops, began my higher education studies, hubby's accident at work, my own deep depression and so on. I think these are the biggest things that has happened to me this year.

There has been good times too, but I think that I best describe this year as a rollercoaster, that I fell out off. And now I'm deeply depressed.

Also I remember about this year, the fact that I didn't take care of me properly. All the others came once again ahead of me . As long as everyone else is allright and happy, and forgot that I also need to be taken care of, be loved and need support.

On the other hand, as I got sick it's all coming back to me now. My dear friends are doing their best to taking care of me and supporting me. It has been confusing but also delightful and such a joy. Without my friends, all this would be so much harder.

So I want to thank, from deep in my heart, my friends all around the world of this year! Thank you for being my friend!

I hope that year 2009 will bring all the happiness and joy to all of us!

Tuesday, December 30

Powerless exhaution vs. joy

Today again I have felt totally powerless. I have been 'comfartable' placing myself to my 'sofacastle'... Wich is what I call our sofa as I have totally made it as my own place...

Or what do you say?

I did wash some laundry today , so that a achievement...Don't you think?

In the evening I went to library with my friend and spent 2 hours there looking for some books for our studies and some just for pleasure.

Here are few that I'm sure are interesting .... 1001 Pearls of Buddhist Wisdom, Wicca- guide and Paolo Coelho's Light Warrior's handbook ( And to make it clear I'm agnostic or maybe even atheist)

It was delightful to see my friend, who always gives me hope and makes me feel good with her positiviness. Also the fact that I love libraries, I could spent hours in a library, there I feel calm, concentrated and peaceful. And I feel joy amongst all those wonderful books.

Altough all off that, my depression, anxiousness and powerless feelings are starting to get to me again, after couple of hours of almost feeling joy and peacefulness.

But baby steps ahead and I can beat this depression, right?

Monday, December 29

A New look

Just to cheer me up...

I wanted something quite simple, yet beautiful... What do you think ? How does this blog look to your eyes? I kind of like it , so I'll keep it at least for awhile... Ok? =D

A bad day...

This day started off badly... I overslept and had such a hurry to get to my theraphy. When I was at shower , water stopped running,(we're having some trouble with the water pump), Everything was missin' and the morning was such a fuss.

Well I some how did get to theraphy in time. It was an good session, but again it left me fragile and tired. I want to sleep so long that this pain in me goes away. And I know I can't do that. I have long and hard work ahead of me and I try to gain some strength before 7th of January. That is when I'll go to this 'day-hospital'.

I have hard , painful and very big decission to make about myself, my life , my work and everything... But I can't make any decision, before I'm ok, right?

Well I'm sorry that this day's writing is a bit gloomy, but this how I feel. Gloomy.

Sunday, December 28

Taking it easy...

I had a peaceful and wonderfully fussyfree Christmas. I spent it at home with my friend, eating at little and chatting and chilling. I think this is a way Christmas should be spent. Without any fuss, just a few presents( if you must) with good company and taking it easy.

Well enough about that , I had a good Christmas.

On 25th we left for a cruise to Stockholm, with 2 youngters ( 14 and 16 years) our godsons. It was their first time ever on a cruise, and this was our christmas present to them. We had a blast. We laughed a lot, the food was good, and Stockholm was vibrant as ever. So It was a good trip, too.

After that I have been totally exhausted and sleeping a lot. As I have deep depression all this has taken the juices out off me. So I decided to just chill and rest today.

Got to tell you that our cat Wilma, was slighty offended to me when we got home from the cruise. She totally ignored me, but hubby got to bamber her but not me. As the night began to fall she finally started to get nearer to me too...

First she came, quite close, to wash herself and so on...

Then I got to touch her a little ( still ignoring me)

And finally we slept side to side for 3 hours...

Ain't she something else? I love her so...

Wednesday, December 24

Merry Christmas!

I'm going to spent this Christmas alone at home. Well my friend is coming over to "watch over me"=D

Hubby is going with relatives, they are gathering to hubby's aunt's place, but I decided it is too much for me... I want to spent my Christmas at home , peacefully , without all the fuss.

I need to think of me and my strength. Tomorrow we are off to cruise and a visit to Stockholm. We are giving our godsons this cruise as a christmas present as they have never been on a cruise. I'll need all my strength in there. So I'll take this christmas eve quietly.

Yesterday I visited this "dayhospital" and it seemed ok. I'm glad I'll get there on January. I need all the help they can give, to get over this depression.

But today I'm happy my wishes were listened and hubby lets me be at home, altough it isn't easy for him.

Well I wanted wish all my friends around the world
Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 22

Therapy day

These days are always tough. Today I did get by the therapy quite well. Didn't cry all the time..

Now I feel beat as always after therapy. Altough today I also feel anger and frustration. My theraphist thought that might be a good thing. Well.. we'll see I am planning to clean up the house and make it a bit more christmasy. I wonder if I have the strenght

I got some good news too, just a minute ago. I had a phone call. I have a place in this "dayhospital". I'm not sure what it is in english, but this is a place for depressed people, we go there every week day, from 8am to 3pm. There is every day a therapy session with your own therapist , art therapy and all that kind of stuff. I'm very pleased to get there, because I feel that I can't cope with this once a week 45 mins therapy. I will be going to visit tomorrow. Then there's Christmas/ holidays and I'll get to go there first thing in January.

So I think this was my christmas present =D

Sunday, December 21

Something positive..

I have been re-decorating my living room... Only some little things that make the changes... And as I'm deeply depressed I'm fascinated with orange color.

So here's some pic's

I still need to get new curtains and it's starting to look like I want... =D

This is what it looked like before the changes..

Tomorrow I hope I have the strength to make little bit of Christmas in my home...

I'll share more pics then...

This and That...

Well here we go...

I finally found a background that pleases me , so this blog can go on living...

I think I'll start by going over my situation, right now.

I am on a sickleave. I haven't been at work since 15th of September. I'm seriously depressed. Iam unhappy at my work, at home, marriage and so on. I'm going through a rough crisis. Lots have happened past year and as I tried to take care of everyone else , I forgot to take care of me.

Only things that keep me going are my wonderful friends and my studies. I have started studies for an higher education in August. I do love studying and am trying to hang in there with the other group.

I will be using this blog as a therapy, trying to write down my feelings and things that go on in my life. Also I am trying to practise my english =D

Today I feel exhausted and I'm going to try and relax for rest of the day...

Oh... and this is an comment friendly blog , so comments are welcome

Saturday, December 20

About this blog..

I decided to start another blog in english. As I have friends around the world and I also would like to practise my english.

I am also writing the finnish blog, but I try to write to both blogs from now on.

About me... I am having some difficulties in life right now and I use blogging as my theraphy. I have been writing my finnish blog since October and writing is something new for me.

I also share some pics from time to time. So I write this firstly for me but also so that my friends all over the world can follow my life if they are willing...

We'll see, what will come out of this...